What are your three P's?

Lupus is a forever winding roller coaster. The ups, the downs, the stops and the turns, are inevitable. You know the saying "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get." That's lupus. It has no basis for discrimination. Unfortunately, your entire being becomes subject to torment... mind, body and soul! I believe the only way I got past the news without going completely crazy is, what I call, the three P's.

First, prayer. The new Lupie is at greatest risk for mental and emotional breakdown, in their fragile state. The diagnosis of a chronic disease, that has no known cure known, alone, could send one into a state of emotional shock and deep depression. The news leaves most of us feeling confused and alone. We have no idea what to expect or how to proceed with our life, and we have a hard time getting adjusted to our new pain inflicted body. That is compounded

stress! I am sure we all know what that stress produces, flares! So the new Lupie has a huge task on their hands. It is called, managing stress.  Fortunately, when I received my diagnosis, I was already a strong believer. My belief in God, helped me put the diagnosis into perspective, because, I did not feel like the burden was mine to carry alone. I was able to mentally bypass this blow by, giving it to God. I taught myself to pray, through the pain and the depression. I continue to develop my relationship with God because, I can not handle lupus alone. Thankfully, while I am in a painful flare, God helps me by offering solace and peace. He is my friend in my hour of need. Although, God does not work like a "Miracle Pill," he gives me reason for hope.

Second, I had to practice doing things that benefit my body, such as; eating the right foods, exercising and managing my hectic medical appointment schedule. One thing that IS consistent in lupus, in my case, is the pain. One day, the pain may be mild, the next, oh so severe. One day my entire body is inflamed, the next, my hands are swollen and look like sausages or my feet feel like I am walking on lumps of spiky steel. Believe it or not, lupus flares can be managed by incorporating and eliminating, certain foods in your diet. In my experience, it's best to stick to a diet of whole foods and stay away from anything processed. Apple equals health, Little Debbie Oatmeal Pies equal flares. Although it's hard for most, exercise is an important part of managing lupus. The thing is, it is hard to exercise when you live in chronic pain. I have found that there are ways to modify exercises, so they won't cause overexertion and too much stress to your body. However, most importantly, keeping up with your medical appointments can be a job in itself when dealing with lupus. Primary physicians, specialist, optometrist, make up a huge portion of the mechanical wheel that we spin on. We should treat our appointments
like gold. Seriously, this is our life we are talking about. The monotony of the appointments may take some getting used to but, they are extremely important because they track our health. Lupus is so unpredictable. Our trips to the doctor are the best way to catch new problems that arise quickly. Honestly, just as everything else takes practice, managing lupus takes practice too.

Lastly, purpose. I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason. I hate the fact that I have lupus, but it has a purpose in my life. It may sound crazy, but that's the truth. Dig deep and try to find out what purpose lupus serves in your life. This will help you turn the negative of having lupus, into a positive. Maybe you can use your experiences with this disease to share your story and uplift others who are struggling. We all could use a friend who relates. 

So, even though there will be days you feel it is, having lupus is not the end of the world. We all can find w
ays to manage life with this incurable disease. Instead of the three P's, you may find you have three T's. Hey! As long as it works for you, that is all that matters. Try this, close your eyes and and accept lupus and all that comes with it. Now that you have done that, just know, there be always some type of pain; some days will be harder than others. Therefore, get ready Lupies! Put on your game face and fight!

Lupus was there...

You were not there when every single joint in my body was inflamed and my knees and feet were swelling up like balloons but, I was still attempting to climb the, what seemed at the moment, abnormally steep two flights of stairs to get to my classes. Those necessary classes, that I was too lethargic to sit through, in which, I received assignments that my state of “Lupus Fog” disabled me to focus on.

You were not there when I ended up being admitted to the hospital, and was only able to withdraw from one class in time, when I had a full load, and received all F’s in a row. All the while, the Doctors at the hospital picked and probed my body, yet, still could not find out what was going on with me. They ordered full body cat scans and a slew of blood tests that did not get them closer to an answer, as to, why I was so swollen, why was my body was malfunctioning and why were my kidneys failing?

You were not there when I was sent home with no resolution, when the sickness seemed to be over, and everything appeared to be getting back to normal. When I jumped back on the bandwagon and decided to take online classes because, maybe, being home would be a better option to deal with my constantly aching body and thick sausage like fingers (still inflamed). Unfortunately, in all of my optimism and persistence, I found myself, yet again, enclosed in hospital walls with the IV shooting fluids and steroids into my veins, upon blacking out in my car and pulling over to call an ambulance.  Kidney failure, Rheumatoid Arthritis and Malaria, were just a few of the Doctors possible diagnosis.

You know who was there through it all? Lupus was there, inflicting me, and hindering me… even my education.

“I am a single parent, I am on academic probation because I was hospitalized and was diagnosed with lupus,” I told the financial advisers. What can I do to get back in school? Do you know what they told me? It does not matter. It doesn't matter if you fell ill and blacked out and was admitted into the hospital. You will need to pay for 16 class of pocket before you can receive funds again. You will still be responsible for all of the classes that Lupus screwed up. You can not even receive a student loan. You can not pass go, you can not collect two hundred dollars, you can go straight to hell.

I am on disability; I can not afford to pay out of pocket for 16 classes! The only reason I did not break down in tears then was because my niece, who now attends Eastfield College, was with me.  They told me there is no way to appeal the decision, but “We are currently looking into this matter, we may have more clarity in the fall,” they said.  That was years ago…

I am a Changed Person... And that's ok:-)

I used to give in to situations because I actually felt guilty for having Lupus. I tried to keep up with life like I did before being diagnosed. That didn't work. I am grateful for receiving disability but, there was a time that I felt embarrassed to have to be on it. 

Thank God! I have learned to put all of those irrelevant feelings aside and do what is best for my health. I could care less about people looking at me and wondering if I really deserve to be receiving disability. They have no basis to judge me.   I just know that if they lived in my body for one day, they would understand.

Forgive me While I Rant

I receive disability due to lupus. Which stands for: I do not work because I live in chronic pain and this disease is affecting my organs. It takes me all day and most of my energy to do a fraction of what others do, and appear somewhat normal while doing it. Yay me(sarcasm)! With that said, why do people look at me as if I am a housewife(a healthy, able bodied individual who made a choice not to work and and raise a family? I don't know but, I know many off you can relate:-/

So, I volunteer for a wonderful organization that I am grateful to be a part of. Being a lead volunteer(with built in responsibility), I would like to think I help make somewhat of a difference. We had a meeting today. There were several projects that needed volunteers. I felt guilty about not offering my service, but, I know I could not take on any more than I already have. So, I opened my mouth and kindly told everybody how much I would love to take on more responsibility, however, lupus barely allows me to handle what I already have. I told them how stress causes flares and that I have to be careful not to bite off more than I can chew. I told them I was open to help, but not head up, a project. 

Unbelievably, no more than thirty minutes later, someone was asking me if I wanted to head up a freakin project. I was confused. Hadn't I just explained this? I was literally contemplating it and, just the thought was stressing me out. I couldn't believe I was asked. I had to put my foot down and say, no. 

Unfortunately, what may seem like a simple, small chore to others, could be the beginning of a lupies demise. I have a family to live for and this is my only body, and it's defective.  I must proactively protect it. I am not a lazy bum! I can not risk my life for the team. That is just how serious it is and could potentially be:-(

What Gives Me the Nerve!

 I try not to be naive, but, I guess I can't help myself sometimes. I honestly thought that my lovely world of social media friends, whom barely even comment on my posts, would come to my rescue and, help me reach my Gofundme goal to become a self published poet. Not to discount those whom actually did because, there were a few and I appreciate you!!!

I figured, I would post a few of my pieces for everybody to review, everyone would read them... Everyone would like them... and my awesomeness would bring a slew of donors rushing to my page. Whom, in turn, would eagerly respond by rapidly punching in their credit card information, to help out a friend in need. This was to happen, all within the first 48. I saw the scene play out vividly in my head. I'm surprised my vision didn't begin with a blinding marquee.

I saw people sharing my poems and pondering their favorite lines, while ordering their Caramel Macchiato. They were telling their other friends, about their friend that was diagnosed with lupus, an I curable autoimmune disease, and how she is still so passionate about her poetry dream that she writes until her swollen, sausage like fingers can't type anymore. After hearing that heart wrenching news, their friends would Gofundme and tell their friends, and their friends would tell their friends, and so on, an so forth. I had it all mapped out in my noggin.

However, 8 donors later, and all snapped back into reality, I am still waiting for "the people" to catch on to my big plan. Still climbing that highest mountain, and dreaming that dream! I think I can, I believe I can, I know I can do it! Fortunately, there is still time for you to make a donation:-) You can take part in changing my life.

What gives me the nerve!

http://www.gofundme.com/8n6p1w

Indeed A Woman

Indeed, I am a woman
My eyes tell the full story
From the small of my back
To the dip in my hips
To God be all the glory

Yea, I am woman
My heart flows as the depth of my mind
The slight southern drawl
that oozes from my voluptuous lips
seductive as red wine

Tis true, I am a woman
My demeanor angelically divine
I'm as fierce as the sun
And as soft as the moon
With Creation lingering
In the midst of my thighs

Indeed, I am woman
You're the ship
I am the anchor
While you sway to and fro
I am holding you down
Assuring you never flounder

LaQuanda Whitfield

Beautiful Spirit + Aching Body

I woke up this morning, feeling great! My pain levels were around a 3(which would send most to the medicine cabinet). Lower Back aches, shoulder aches and normal joint pain(all joints); but that, I'm accustom to. I am greatful for my body today. I lift it up in prayer. Things could be a lot worse. 

I made a cup of Jasmine infused Peach Tea, sat on the couch and felt a sense of renewal this morning. Accepting myself for all that I am. I can only be me so, I choose to make the best of it. Misery may love company, but I am not fond of misery. I refuse to give lupus all of me:-)

From one Morning to the Next!

 It seems like, from one day to the next, I woke up with an incurable diagnosis of lupus.  I went to sleep feeling healthy, and I woke up living with chronic fatigue and in chronic pain.  I went to sleep a career oriented woman, and woke up on government disability with a full time job of managing illness and doctors appointments. Honestly, I can barely remember what it feels like to not, have lupus.

Humm... I imagine this being my life, before lupus:

This is me, after lupus:

Feel better Lupies!!!

BVO is a toxic chemical that is banned in many countries because it competes with iodine for receptor sites in the body, which can lead to hypothyroidism, autoimmune disease, and cancer. The main ingredient, bromine, is a poisonous, corrosive chemical, linked to major organ system damage, birth defects, growth problems, schizophrenia, and hearing loss.

"There's flame retardant in your Mountain Dew. That soda with the lime-green hue (and other citrus-flavored bubbly pops) won't keep your insides fireproof, but it does contain brominated vegetable oil, a patented flame retardant for plastics that has been banned in foods throughout Europe and in Japan.

Brominated vegetable oil, or BVO, which acts as an emulsifier in citrus-flavored soda drinks, is found in about 10 percent of sodas sold in the U.S.

"After a few extreme soda binges — not too far from what many [video] gamers regularly consume — a few patients have needed medical attention for skin lesions, memory loss and nerve disorders, all symptoms of overexposure to bromine," according to a recent article in Environmental News.
Read more at http://www.snopes.com/food/warnings/bvo.asp#iGsDLrftTv4Z8RX8.99

The Beauty in Lupus

This photo inspires me! As many of you may know, the symbol chosen to represent lupus is the butterfly. The butterfly is a fragile creature. Each butterflies wings are unique in design. This photo pictures several butterflies, communing on a plant that appears to be, quite, dead. However, It is obvious upon further examination; that the plant must have pollen or nectar inside, that the butterflies are after. Therefore, the plant still harbors life. Life within itself, which is undetectable to the naked eye.

You may ask, "Why would this remind anyone of lupus?" I, in turn, answer. People that have lupus are as fragile, as the butterflies seen here. In reverse, we may appear beautiful and healthy on the outside, but on the inside, there is a constant war against our own body ensuing. In other words, our bodies are trying to kill us! As well, each case of lupus is as unique as butterfly wings. We all have our special, individually modulated cocktail of this incurable disease. Furthermore, while lupus may knock us down, we are not out for the count. Like the flowers that appear to be dead; we still have fight in us, despite lupus. Those that stick around, reap the benefits of the nectar of our Lupie souls.

My Identity / Lupus & Me

I don't know why but, today is different! 

I have never felt the need to associate a face with Lupus & Me. Actually, I consciously left my face off of this page because I wanted to be able to relate to all friends of purely based on the fact that I am an individual living withLupus. I did not want to be liked or disliked, consciously or subconsciously, because of race, sex, age or any physical aspect of my being. I have solely wanted to encourage and inspire hope in people like myself, and their families, whom are affected by Lupus day in and day out. I have love for everybody and pray for all of you daily:-) We are all working together for a common cause... A cure for lupus and strength to endure while we are waiting for it!

https://m.facebook.com/lupusnme

LaQuanda W.

Myself to Give

My body feels very loud today
It is crying out,
but I can't make the pain of Lupus go away
The sound drowns out everything else in my mind
I can't concentrate, for
the throbbing in my body has commenced to cease time
So tired, I can barely open my eyes
But I must, so, I can take the medication that I have grown to despise
But it's all I have to stop the inflammation 
Although, I can no longer fit any of my clothing 
and it's causing problems with my digestion
Thankfully, even when I lose I'm winning
Every morning I open my eyes,
life makes way for, yet, another new beginning 
That is why I choose to stay positive
Because if I consciously give my all to Lupus,
I would have no more of myself to give

Please me reach my goal! A donation of $25.00 or more secures a signed copy of my book. Although, a donation of any amount is greatly appreciated and will get me closer to my dream!

Click here to support Lupus is crushing my poetry dream by LaQuanda Whitfield

www.gofundme.com

My Scary day!

Today was such a scary day! It all started with heavy rain this morning. I'm talking, torrential downpour. It joked with my FB friends about how Texas was finally getting a Florida rain. The weather was clearing up around 2pm. Then, out of nowhere, it started raining cats and dogs again. I turned on the news and found out we were under a strict tornado watch. I prayed that the weather let up soon so, my child could get home safely.

It was 3:45 when I decided to drive to the end of street and wait for my son's bus to arrive. The bus was scheduled to come around 5:50ish I waited and waited, but no bus. I called the transportation department and, a voice mail picked up. I had no way to reach my child. My heart sank. He has one of those track phones and it has minutes on it; however, he did not carry it with him. Facebook was buzzing with parents wondering where their little ones were. Just as I was settling into my panic, I got a call from a number I did not know. I answered. It was Sean! I was ecstatic yet, concerned.

Sean told me that the bus stopped at an elementary school close by the house because of the Tornado warning. I asked if I needed to pick him up; he said, he didn't know. I asked when the bus was bringing them home; he said, he didn't know. I decided to head back to the house to see what the news was saying. They said that schools were waiting until 4:15 to determine what the next move would be. "This is serious," I thought. It seemed like waiting until 4:15 took two hours, and the rain was still coming down hard. The good thing is that the tornado warning was lifted, and busses were returning back to the road. 

At 4:15, I called the number that Sean had called me from. A little voice on the other end of the line told me that they were about to board the bus and go home. I was so happy that I was minutes from seeing my baby. I drove back to the bus stop and waited. I finally saw that big yellow bus bending the corner and, I almost jumped out of the car. I was so happy to see him! Thank God for bringing my kiddo home safely.

There is Still Hope for Love

 I am a single parent, almost 40, living with Lupus. I wouldn't call that three strikes, but with no potential candidate for love in sight, one has to wonder. Is there hope for love in this lifetime?  Am I willing to allow someone into my world? Is a loving husband too much to ask for?

Sometimes, I do not think it would be fair for me to find love. That may sound crazy but, imposing lupus on some innocent bystanders life is the last thing I would want to do. Furthermore, It would take a strong individual to deal with the complex and unpredictable nature of the disease. They would need to be patient and understanding of lupus and it's effects. In my mind, a companion that is ginuenly interested in researching and helping with preventative maintenance is a gem! I do not like to call people living with lupus needy, but when dealing with a flare, we have the potential to be just that, and a help mate would make life a lot easier.

Unfortunately, lupus is known to have a mind of its own. For instance, lupus does not care if it is your spouses birthday or your anniversary, a flare could come out of nowhere and change your plans, no matter how far in advance they were made. Patience and understanding are key characteristics in these instances. Another thing, many of the medications used to treat lupus have the tendency to cause weight gain, as well as, varying mood swings. Chronic pain also leads to depression in some cases. Having a mate that is capable of picking up on what is occurring and has patience to work through those hard times, will definitely help the relationship grow and  run smoothly. Now, I'm not saying this individual is not out there, but our paths have yet to cross.

As for me, it is going to take a very special individual to break down my Lupus barrier, but, I know it is possible. There is still hope for this Lupie. For those of you that have a good man, recognize him and make sure he knows he is appreciated.

Was that an Insenuation?

I had a doctor appointment last Wednesday. While taking my blood pressure, the intake nurse noticed a humongous bruise on arm and said, "Wow! How did that happen?" First, I gave her my "I have Lupus" disclaimer. In my mind, this is a way to let people know that with Lupus, anything is possible. Then, I proceeded to tell he the story of how, I was attempting to start my lawn mower when, rip! Something in my arm, I'm thinking tendon or cartiledge, tore.  I told her how the pain was so excruciating that I could barely speak; and how two days later, I looked at my arm and this gigantic bruise was covering it. She looked at me with a puzzled, I may or may not believe you, glare. Then she said, "Yeah, I get "beat up" in my home too. I'm always running into walls or something." "Beat up," I thought. I was also thinking, "you may need to be checked for vertigo." I replied, "This is one of the perks of being single." She informed me that, surprizingly, she was married. On that note, I knew that she has probably never even touched a lawn mower. She asked if I had seen a doctor for my arm. I said, no. Now, every Lupie knows that you don't run to the doctor for every bump and bruise you encounter! Lupies would be in the hospital 24-7!

Afterwards, replaying the conversation in my mind 20 times, I'm wondering if she was insenuating that I had been physically beaten. Humm??? What's your opinion?

My Niche

I was always trying to "Find Myself." What is my purpose in life? What is that thing that I love to do that is going to sustain me? I would always look outside of myself to try to find something greater to answer this question because, IT could not be that simple. IT could not be this thing that I do before I go to bed, when I wake up in the morning, and all through out the day; in an attempt to maintain my sanity. IT had to be something bigger. More challenging... Something that I had yet to grasp or put a finger on. IT had to be complicated. However, by the time I had IT all figured out, I had it wrapped around my finger...It, is me, on paper!

IT, is "Q in Verse."

Domestic Violence/ The Life of a Lupie

Domestic Violence
By LaQuanda Whitfield 

Lupus made me its lover
It is such the abusive type
Every time I want to go left
Lupus forces me to go right
When I make plans to chill with friends
Lupus says, "No, not tonight."
Lupus beat me up so badly that
You could tell, I lost the fight

Swollen hands and swollen knees
Bruises all over my arms and legs
The Doctor took one look at me,
"It's a wonder, you're not dead," Is what he said
Then he scratched his baffled head
And proceeded to up all of my meds
Sending me right back home to Lupus
Whom, was waiting by the bed

http://www.gofundme.com/8n6p1w

A Blast from the Past!

Occasionally, we allow ourselves to close our eyes and drift back to another place in time. We recollect on our journey and how we got down that long, winding road to the present day. Thinking back on the bumps and bruises. The happy moments, as well as, the sad. Compiled, those multitudes of experiences have molded us into the wonderful people we have become today!

Today, I think back on one particular happy moment. I was blessed to meet an amazing woman named Greta Epstine, wife to Mortimer Epstine. She was such a lovely lady. She started an art gallery and   studio out of her travel agency, which, each unsurprisingly, complimented the other very well. The Old Town Gallery was on SW 2nd street in the heart of Ft Lauderdales art district. A quaint boutique, It was a beautifully decorated hodgepodge of consigned paintings, sculptures and photography of local artists towards the front, desks for the travel agency in the middle, and the art studio towards the rear. It was Greta's dream.

Greta was Jewish, as you probably deciphered from her name. In her mid sixties when we met, Greta was a fashion statement. She walked, talked and dressed with sophistication and class. She wore a rock on her finger the size of Mt. Everest. It was too heavy to rest on top of her ring finger without bellying up. One day, I was looking at a map behind her desk that was saturated with red pins. I asked, "What do the red pins represent?" She replied "Those are all of the places that Mortimer and I have traveled." My mouth hit the floor. She was so humble. I truly admired the woman and for some reason, we naturally connected.

Greta believed in me as a poet. She encouraged me to sharpen my craft and use it. She gave me the opportunity to be the "main event" at her grand opening of Old Town Gallery! I am still appreciative to this day.

Lupus is crushing my poetry dream

Help make my poetry dream come true!

http://www.gofundme.com/8n6p1w

Lupus & Me

Lupus inspired:

Lupus & Me
By LaQuanda Whitfield
https://www.facebook.com/lupusnme

There will come a day
When I step out of this shell
No longer to be tormented
By There will come a day
When I step out of this shell
No longer to be tormented
By this body of hell
No more aching and sore joints
No more creaking of weak bones
No more methotrexate, hydro codeine,
And thank God, no more prednisone

But until that day comes
When Lupus & Me are no longer Wed
I will pull back the covers
And we will continue to share a bed
And I'll try my very best 
To keep Lupus as happy as can be
Lest Lupus throws a temper tantrum 
And flares up boldly within me

My Niche

I was always trying to "Find Myself." What is my purpose in life? What is that thing that I love to do that is going to sustain me? I would always look outside of myself to try to find something greater to answer this question because, IT could not be that simple. IT could not be this thing that I do before I go to bed, when I wake up in the morning, and all through out the day; in an attempt to maintain my sanity. IT had to be something bigger. More challenging... Something that I had yet to grasp or put a finger on. IT had to be complicated. However, by the time I had IT all figured out, I had it wrapped around my finger...

It, is me, on paper!

IT, is "Q in Verse."